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 A Promise Kept

Cam scraped the leftover food from the plates, giving the surface a quick rinse before loading them into the dishwasher. He tried to consciously relax the tightness in his neck and shoulders, but the tension was stubborn…almost as stubborn as the woman with whom he had shared dinner. His mood vacillated from one end of the spectrum to the other—from wanting to give her all the time she needed to heal, to the almost overwhelming urge to shake some common sense into her. The fact she was sending mixed signals wasn’t helping the situation—one minute she was cold and distant, and the next he could see glimpses of ‘her’ in the midst of the storm. It was during those times he wanted to latch onto her, hang on for dear life and never let go. But he knew by doing that, there was a chance it could drive her further away. Instead, he held his ground as well as his tongue, trying to patiently wait until she found her way back to him…back to them. The possibility of that not happening wasn’t even a consideration—she would find her way back, even if he had to drag her kicking and screaming every step of the way. Cam made an effort to push his frustration down to a manageable level as he closed the dishwasher door, his gaze coming to rest on the subject of his thoughts.

Jessie stood on the balcony, the breeze lifting the strands of her hair slightly as she watched the sun slowly sink below the horizon. Although the red, orange and purple tableau held her gaze, she was listening to the clinking of the dishes in the sink as Cam cleaned up the remnants of their meal. Taking Dr. Bailey’s advice, she had asked him if he had some free time so they could talk, and that had morphed into dinner at his place. Even though she hadn’t voiced what she wanted to talk about, it was as though he sensed it; the private setting of his apartment was more conducive to that discussion than any restaurant could have been. Their conversation so far had been light, but there was an underlying thread of tension. Jessie had thought long and hard about what she wanted to say…what needed to be said. She just hadn’t realized it would be so difficult to get those words out of her mouth.

"You wanna sit out here?"

Jessie jumped slightly, having been so deep in her thoughts she hadn’t heard his approach. Glancing around, she shook her head. "Inside would probably be better." Stepping over the threshold, she walked slowly over to the sofa, becoming aware of a very faint melody playing in the background. Wondered if she had been so preoccupied during the meal she had failed to notice the music, or if he had turned it on while she was outside. She jumped again when she felt his hand at the back of her waist…something he had done dozens of times before, yet it elicited a startle response because of her still-frayed nerves.

"Sorry," she said apologetically as he pulled his hand away, a look of hurt flickering briefly in his eyes. "Still a little jumpy, I guess."

Cam nodded solemnly. "Understandable." He sat down next to her on the sofa, careful not to get too close as he tried to respect her boundaries. There were times being so close to her, yet so far away, damned near drove him insane. Once again he tamped down the frustration that was a little too near the surface.

Jessie sat mute for a minute, swallowing convulsively as her mind raced, trying to figure out a way to initiate the conversation. For whatever reason…stress, nerves, fear…she couldn’t come up with an appropriate segue, so she just ended up blurting it out. "With all that’s happened in the last few months…how do you feel about us…honestly?"

Instinctively Cam knew this was going to be a turning point. Steadying himself, he answered in a calm voice. "My feelings haven’t changed at all, Jessie. I want to get married—I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He watched her expression as she mentally deflected his response.

"Cam…"

Reaching out, he grasped her upper arm—not hard, but firm enough to get her attention. "No, Jessie. I want you to listen to what I’m saying. You’re so busy trying to sort out your own thoughts, you’re not hearing me. And that’s not fair to either one of us." He saw a flicker of surprise in her eyes. "There are two of us in this relationship, and both of us have a say in this." What little control he had on his emotions began to crumble as watched her expression change, the wall automatically coming back up. "Oh no you don’t, Jessie. We are going to get this out, once and for all. I’ve been more than patient, tried my damnedest to give you the time and space you needed to come to terms with what happened out there." He ignored the mutinous jut of her jaw as he laid it all out on the table. "I’m tired of walking on eggshells, tired of this stupid invisible barrier between us. When we made a commitment to each other, it meant being there for each other no matter what."

"Fine. You want to talk? We’ll talk. The thing is, you’re not hearing me, either. You brush aside my thoughts, my concerns because they don’t fit in with what you want."

"You damned right I brush aside any attempt you make to end us, our life together, because of some goddamned Goa’uld!"

"That’s not it", she said, her voice tight.

"Bullshit! That’s exactly it!"

"No, Colonel Mitchell, that’s not it. The reason I’m ‘attempting’ to end us is you deserve a wife that’s above reproach."

If the use of his title didn’t clue him in that she was about to blow, the way she was gritting her teeth should have. It didn’t matter to him either way—he was fighting for the one thing he couldn’t afford to lose. "Above reproach? You think because of what happened you’re not above reproach?"

Her voice dropped to almost a growl as she spat out the words. "I…performed…like a three-dollar…whore. Is that so fucking difficult for you to understand, or should I spell it out for you?"

Cam gritted his own teeth. Giving in to the urge to shake her was starting to sound like a really good idea. "You did what you did because you were at the mercy of a Goa’uld. Not only was your life at stake, but you were also led to believe the life of a child depended on your obedience to him." Cam’s gaze was hard. "A whore performs for her own profit—that in no way, shape or form defines what you were forced to do."

Jessie shook her head. "You have no idea how many people I was with…"

"And it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter whether it was one, or ten, or fifty; it wasn’t something you chose to do. Only because of threats looming over your head did you perform as you were told to."

"And that means nothing to you? You would settle for a wife who has literally engaged in orgies?"

Cam hung his head, pinching the bridge of his nose as he did so, silently counting to ten. When he finally raised his head back up, his expression was one of resignation. "I’m going to ask you one question, and I want you to answer it honestly. Your answer will determine whether there’s an ‘us’, or whether we walk away from each other." Both their emotions were running high, and he knew he had to bring it to a resolution one way or another before one of them said something they’d regret.

"Go ahead."

"If the shoe was on the other foot…if I had gone on a mission that literally went to hell and I had to do exactly what you were forced to do, would I no longer be good enough to be your husband?"

He couldn’t have shocked her more if he had thrown ice water on her, and his question had the exact same effect. After a few moments she finally found her voice. "It’s not the…"

Cam held his hand up. "It’s a simple question, Jessie; a yes or no will suffice. If I went through the same thing, would you reject me?"

They sat there staring at each other, their future literally hanging in the balance. It was the hardest thing he had ever done, gambling his life on one single question. But it was the only defense he had against the edge of insanity. His answer finally came in the form of a whisper.

"No."

Cam closed his eyes momentarily as the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders. Focusing his gaze on Jessie, he reached out and cupped her cheek gently. "If you wouldn’t reject me, then why in the world would you think I would reject you?" he asked softly.

She grimaced slightly. "Even after…even though…"

"Honest to God, it doesn’t matter, Jessie. I hate what you went through, and I’d do anything possible to take it away, but what happened, happened. It doesn’t change how I feel about you, or how I want our lives to be. I can’t imagine not having you by my side, Jess. You…complete me, and you do it in a way no one else ever has, or ever could. If you don’t want to be with me, then I’ll live out my life alone. I won’t settle for anything less than you."

Jessie could see the raw emotion in his expression, knew that he was baring his soul to her. He deserved nothing less than her doing the same, but it didn’t make it any easier to say what she had to. "Cam…" Her voice was so low he had to lean in closer to hear her. "I don’t know if I can give you what you need."

"Jessie, why don’t you let me decide that…decide what I need."

She shook her head. "I’m not talking about…I’m not talking about the physicality." Her voice drifted off.

Cam waited for a moment, puzzled, but she remained silent. "If you’re not referring to lovemaking, then what is it you’re worried about?"

She wrestled with the tidal wave of emotions as well as the pinnacle of her fears. With everything she had gone through, everything she had experienced, it came down to this one thing that was literally ripping her heart in two. "After everything that happened, I…I don’t know…I don’t know if I can have children."

Her admission shocked him almost as much as he had done her. Cam quickly realized this was a major part of, if not the sole reason behind, the wall she had erected between them. It came down to children—their children. With no hesitation he reached out, cradling her face with his hands. "That’s not even an issue with me. If for whatever reason we can’t conceive the old fashioned way, modern medicine gives us other options. And if it’s completely impossible biologically, we can adopt."

"But…"

‘No buts, Jessie. Being a parent, loving and raising a child, it doesn’t matter where the child comes from. A family is what you make it." Reaching up, he brushed a lock of hair from her forehead. "And from what I’ve seen, you are going to be an awesome mother." If he was surprised by the suddenness of her embrace or the tightness of it, he didn’t show it. He held her close, stroking her hair, feeling the wetness of her tears against his neck as she cried. He just kept praying he had gotten through to her, that it was enough to keep her by his side. Those prayers were soon answered, her voice muffled against his shoulder.

"So you still want to marry me, warts and all?" In hindsight, Jessie would have considered him doing many things, but what he did do was completely unexpected. 

He slid off the sofa down onto one knee, reached into his pocket and pulled out the antique engagement ring. He held it up between them, the light reflecting off the polished diamonds. "Does this answer your question?"

Jessie was absolutely dumbfounded, and couldn’t stop her jaw from dropping open. "How…why do you have the ring with you?"

"I’ve carried it with me every single day. It was how I kept you close to me when you weren’t here." Taking her hand in his, he slid the band over her slender finger, returning the ring to where it belonged. "I love you Jessie…there’s no one else for me except you."

Not minding the tears that slid down her cheeks, she shook her head at him. "God, you’re a stubborn man."

Rising up slightly, he slowly leaned in closer to her, giving her time to pull away if she needed to. When she didn’t, he closed the space between them, touching his mouth to hers in a soft kiss. He whispered one word against her lips before cradling her close in his arms. "Mine."

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