<<Previous  | Story Intro | Return to Stories | Next >>

 A Promise Kept

Jessie sat in the overstuffed recliner, the soft lighting creating a tranquil setting. The room reminded Jessie a lot of her library with the mix of dark and neutral tones, along with the large bookcase filled with a variety of texts. Deliberate thought had been put into creating the peaceful space, allowing patients to relax and reveal their most intimate thoughts. It was a tool that Dr. Crystal Bailey used consistently in her line of work. One didn’t earn top security clearance and run a state-of-the-art psych facility without having the forethought and insight to obtain what one wanted.

Dr. Bailey handed Jessie a mug of apple-cinnamon tea before settling down in the chair opposite her. "I could have worked you in yesterday, you know."

Jessie took a sip of the aromatic brew before placing the mug on the side table. "I know. There was a lot going on." Shrugging her shoulders, she said, "I guess I needed to process it before I felt ready to talk about it." Slipping her feet out of her leather flats, she drew her legs up until they were supported by the footrest of the recliner, pulling the chenille throw over them and making herself comfortable.

"From what you told me on the phone, ‘a lot going on’ is putting it mildly." Crystal placed her pad and pen within reach before turning and giving her full attention to her patient.

"That pretty much hits the nail on the head." Jessie took another sip of tea, settling herself into a routine that had played out so many times since her rescue, she had lost count. The therapy sessions had become a ritual of sorts; a ritual that helped her maintain her sanity. "I would have thought I had a better chance of being hit by lightning, or winning the lottery, than coming face to face with Kutkh…Chatka…at the SGC."

"What was your reaction when that happened?"

Jessie sat quietly for a moment. "I was in shock, mostly. It was so…unexpected. And then to find out he was actually a Tok’ra operative, and not a Goa’uld…complicated things."

"Because the Tok’ra are supposed to be allies?"

"Partly, yes. It turned out his contact was deliberately trying to sabotage the alliance between the Tok’ra and Tau’ri, and didn’t inform Kut…Chatka that we had gone in. Chatka didn’t know I was part of the SGC, and I didn’t know he was Tok’ra."

"Do you think he would have treated you differently had he known?" Dr. Bailey picked up her notepad and made a few notes.

"I’d like to think he would have. He said if he had known, he would’ve tried to get me out. It’s hard to say, though. I mean, he was undercover…how much would he have been willing to risk to help a Tau’ri?"

"How did he react when he found out who you really are?"

Jessie toyed with the fringe of the blanket lying across her lap. "From what I could tell, he sounded regretful. I…I couldn’t bring myself to face him in the infirmary."

"Infirmary?"

Jessie took a deep breath, practicing the slow breathing technique Dr. Bailey had taught her to help center herself. "When I came face to face with K…Chatka, it was in the briefing room. Cam and I had been called in, and I was thinking it had something to do with me getting back on the roster. I walked in seconds before Cam did. When Cam came in…saw who was there…he attacked Chatka."

"Given the circumstances, I’m guessing it was pretty much a free-for-all?"

Jessie raked her lower lip with her teeth. "Yeah. I wasn’t much help. You know the cliché in stories where something dramatic happens, time slows to a crawl? Well, it’s true. It was like I was stuck in some time dilation bubble or something—I was absolutely frozen. Cam was rolling on the floor with Chatka, beating the crap out of him, Jack was trying to pull Cam off…actually, I think it was more an excuse than anything since Chatka kept getting in the way of Jack’s elbow or knee—accidentally, of course. Security finally got them pulled apart. I don’t really remember the trip to the infirmary. But I do remember being there with Cam, wiping the blood off his face. Chatka was on the other side of the room and Dr. Fraiser was tending to him." Jessie took another calming breath. "It was just…"

"What?"

Jessie looked directly at the woman sitting across from her. "Okay, this is going to sound insane, and maybe I am, but when I was in the infirmary, it was like I was really seeing Cam, if that makes any sense. Before it was like he was there, but I didn’t want…I was pushing him away because I didn’t want to deal with that whole situation. I was so focused on being…broken…I couldn’t deal with anything else. But when he attacked Chatka, I felt…I don’t know…" She looked at the bookcase, mentally searching for the right word. "Surprised is the closest I can come to describing it. I didn’t feel like I was worth anything anymore, and seeing Cam react like he did didn’t fit in with that assessment." Jessie sighed. "When he was sitting on the stretcher and I was cleaning his face, these thoughts…realizations…came out of nowhere."

Dr. Bailey watched the changing expressions on her patient’s face. "What were these realizations?"

Jessie’s tone was contemplative as she continued, re-examining those moments. "That he didn’t leave me…which is stupid to think anyway, because he wasn’t on the mission with me. That he still loved me. He didn’t look at me like I was dirty. He wasn’t shamed or disgusted by what had happened, even though I was. I never realized I even had these thoughts to begin with, but when I saw Cam fighting, it was like the blinders were ripped away. I could really see for the first time what was right in front of me." She shrugged her shoulders. "It’s weird, but it’s like a part of me woke up…that I could see everything in its entirety. I hadn’t realized part of me had shut down until that moment."

Dr. Bailey was quiet as she made a few more notations. This was certainly the breakthrough she had been hoping for. Looking closely at the young woman seated across from her, she could literally see the changes. Her body language was more open and relaxed, and she was much less guarded. "Where do you see yourself going from here?"

Jessie thought for a moment before answering. "I’m not sure exactly. I still feel…damaged…used. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t. But now everything I felt for Cam…everything I feel for him…is back in the picture. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he still wants me, still wants to marry me in spite of what happened. Dealing with my personal issues, well, that’s a lot harder than imagining walking through the gate again."

A flicker of surprise crossed Dr. Bailey’s features. "Yesterday didn’t undermine your decision to continue working for the SGC?"

"No, surprisingly it didn’t. Even if I don’t go back to doing offworld missions, there’s still a lot I can contribute from this end research-wise. As long as I can be an asset in some way, I want to be a part of it."

The psychiatrist set her notepad aside. "Well, Jessie, you’ve made some solid decisions concerning your career, and I fully support your viewpoint regarding that aspect. Given the information I have, I think you’re the type of person the program needs, whether you go offworld or not. What you need to focus on now, however, are your personal relationships, especially concerning Cam. There’s not a rush to make any decisions, but you do need to address this issue and not push it to the back burner, so to speak."

Jessie nodded. "I know. I’m hoping now that I’m seeing the whole picture, it’ll be a little easier to take a full accounting of how I feel and weigh it against what happened. I still have some misgivings about everything, but at least now the blinders seem to be gone." Glancing at the clock, Jessie pulled the blanket from her legs and began folding it. "I’m going to have to cut this session a little short. I’ve got a list of things to get done today, plus my lunch order should be arriving shortly."

Dr. Bailey smiled. "Calandra?"

"Yeah. I know some people wouldn’t understand, especially with everything she did in the past, but Calandra truly tried to help me while I was here. That, and she’s the one who talked me out of breaking up with Cam when I thought it was the right thing to do. She didn’t have to do that, and I think it shows how far she’s come with treatment.’

"You have a great depth, Jessie. Some people would never forgive someone who tried to harm them, much less spend any time with them."

Jessie placed the blanket back in its cubbyhole. "I don’t know if I would call it depth; I just prefer to look at the situation in its entirety. She did me a favor, probably a bigger favor than anyone realizes, and visiting her here is just a small way of showing my gratitude."

Crystal nodded at the young woman. "Just apply that way of thinking when you’re working through what happened to you. Don’t focus on the incident and make it a definition of you—your life has many different facets, and you need to look at the whole picture in its entirety, too."

Jessie paused with her hand on the doorknob, before turning and giving the doctor a wry grin. "Touché."

By the time Jessie made her way to the reception area, the order of deli sandwiches and tea had already been delivered. Gathering up the bags, she walked through the facility to the east wing, balancing the bags as opened the glass doors. She automatically headed toward the picnic tables, but her steps slowed as she realized Calandra had a visitor. Calandra looked up just as Jessie was getting ready to retrace her steps; a warm smile was followed by her motioning Jessie to come over.

"Jessie, I want you to meet Adam, Christina’s brother."

Jessie smiled as the young man stood and she shook his hand in greeting. It took her a second to make the connection; Christina was one of the nurses at the facility. Once she did, however, she could definitely see a family resemblance between the two—same midnight black hair, same warm brown eyes, although Adam was at least a head taller than his sister.

"It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jessie. I remember seeing you around here before when I’d have lunch with my sister."

Jessie wasn’t sure exactly how to respond to the reference to her stay there, so she turned the conversation back to the situation at hand. "I didn’t mean to intrude. I had a meeting with Dr. Bailey, and I’d gotten in the habit of bringing lunch with me."

"You’re not intruding at all. In fact, I was just leaving." Turning to Calandra, he took her hand in his. "I’ll give you a call later, okay?"

Jessie could read people fairly well, and if she wasn’t totally missing the mark, Adam seemed to have more than a friendly interest in Calandra. And given the way Calandra smiled back at him, she’d have to say the interest was returned. Waiting until he was well out of earshot, Jessie looked sheepishly at Calandra.

"Sorry about that…I didn’t mean to interrupt."

She waved Jessie’s apology away dismissively. "You didn’t interrupt; he really was getting ready to leave just as you walked out here." Calandra eyed the bags Jessie held. "One of those wouldn’t happen to contain my favorite sandwich, would it?"

Jessie handed her one of the bags. "A BLT with double bacon, fresh avocado and sprouts, just the way you like it." She glanced back at the now empty courtyard. "So, how long have you known Adam?"

Calandra took the tea and straw from Jessie. "We’ve been talking off and on for a while, but more so in the last couple of months. In the beginning it was just an exchange of polite greetings, but the conversations started after I began helping Dr. Bailey with group therapy sessions. A couple of patients had come in who had experiences similar to those I had growing up, and I found I was able to help them in group. Dr. Bailey was impressed enough that she had me lend a hand with certain parts of it. Adam caught a couple of sessions while he was here with his sister, and we just kind of started talking."

Jessie frowned slightly as she unwrapped her sandwich. "Adam was going to the sessions with his sister?"

Calandra nodded. "They had some issues with family when they were young, and since Christina is a nurse on this ward, Dr. Bailey invited her and Adam to sit in. Dr. Bailey believes people who actually lived through certain experiences can offer better insight than someone who hasn’t, and sharing those experiences can help both parties heal in the process."

"Makes sense." Innate female curiosity got the better of her, though, and running the risk of being too nosy she asked, "And…y’all are just friends?" Her question was answered first by the slight flush that colored Calandra’s cheeks.

"Good friends. I don’t want to jinx myself by hoping for something more, but…" She sighed softly before continuing. "It sure is nice having a guy look at me like I’m not defective after finding out about my past. We sit and talk about…everything. And I really look forward to that. He’s not trying to get in my pants, or wanting to know how much something costs…you know what I mean. He’s interested in what’s going on up here," she said as she tapped her forehead. "It’s…it’s not something I’ve really experienced with a man before."

Jessie took a bite of her sandwich, chewing it slowly as she thought about what Calandra said. She also thought about the advice she would offer if they were in different circumstances. Jessie had no idea how long Calandra would be in Forest Ridge, or if she would make enough progress to be released, but in the end it was female camaraderie that prompted Jessie to voice her thoughts. "Well, going by Dr. Bailey’s theory that a person who has gone through something can offer better insight, I can tell you what you’ve described with Adam is rare. My experience with guys had been one of two things—either they were too busy trying to get me in bed, or were too intimidated by my intellect to even bother holding a decent conversation, much less truly interested in talking about anything of substance. If a guy will sit and talk to you, and I mean really talk to you, then I take that as he’s interested in you as a person—he’s interested in the whole package."

Calandra was quiet for a moment, before nodding in agreement. "That makes sense. I guess time will tell, huh?" She took a sip of her tea before turning her full attention on Jessie. "So, what brings you here today? It’s not time for your regularly scheduled appointment."

It was Jessie’s turn to sigh, before she relayed the events of the past 48 hours to Calandra, who sat in stunned silence before finally finding her voice.

"Damn." Calandra set the last quarter of her sandwich aside. "Damn," she repeated. "Are you okay?"

"Let’s just say it’s getting to the point where not much surprises me anymore."

Calandra turned her chair to where she was facing Jessie. "You said you had those revelations about Cam—now that you realize none of this mattered to him and he’s always been there for you, are you going to get the relationship back on course? You know his feelings haven’t changed…he still wants to get married." Calandra watched as Jessie began shredding the edge of her napkin, a telltale sign of stress. "Jessie, come on now. What’s really bugging you?"

Jessie hadn’t verbalized these particular thoughts to anyone before, so it was hard for her to put it into words. "It’s just…I’m worried…scared, I guess."

"About what?"

"Cam and I haven’t…since I got back, we haven’t been…together. I’m scared that when that happens, I’ll…"

She knew exactly what Jessie was having such a hard time with, and Calandra finished her sentence for her. "You’re scared you’ll see Kutkh there, and not Cam."

Jessie focused on the trees in the distance, trying to find the words to explain her point of view. "Calandra, I was held captive by Kutkh for eight weeks. But, given the situation, I couldn’t act like a captive. He thought I was a slave, and it would have raised all kinds of red flags if I had really resisted him, begged him not to…" She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to stave off any tears. "I was there for so long, and exposed to so many different things with him, I can’t see how it wouldn’t bleed over when I’m with Cam…if something Cam does causes a flashback."

Calandra’s own experiences were years in the past, but she remembered having similar fears. "Jessie, the thing is, when you’re with Cam, he wants to give you pleasure; he’s not trying to force something on you. From what you’ve told me, Kutkh was concerned only with what he wanted and nothing else. There’s a distinct difference between that and Cam. If you can learn to distinguish between the two, taking versus giving, you’ll have the battle more than half won." Calandra relaxed somewhat when Jessie turned toward her while she was talking; that movement let Calandra know she was truly listening to what she was saying. "And I’m willing to bet, if you told Cam what you told me, he’d help you through this."

"But that’s just it; I don’t want him treating me like a porcelain doll. I hate feeling this way. I just want to leave all this crap behind."

"And eventually you’ll do just that. But it’s going to take some work on your part, and a lot of communication with Cam. He can’t read your mind; you’ll have to tell him exactly what you’re feeling. Jessie—he’s going to be your husband. Open up to him and let him help you through this."

Jessie took the crumpled sandwich wrapper and placed it in the bag. "I don’t suppose you have a magic wand you could wave and make everything better, do you?"

Calandra reached over and patted the back of her hand. "No, unfortunately I don’t, otherwise I would have used it on myself long ago. This is a journey you have to make on your own. But you’re not alone—Cam’s right beside you, and you have plenty of friends who love and support you. And, for what it’s worth, I’m here if you ever need to bend somebody’s ear."

Jessie reached out and placed her hand over Calandra’s. "Thanks. You really have helped me, and I do appreciate that."

Calandra shrugged self-consciously. "Hey, it’s the least I can do. All part of taking personal responsibility, you know?"

Dr. Bailey watched the two women from her office window, making a few notes in Calandra’s chart as she did so. A small smile curved her lips. "There may be hope for her after all," the doctor murmured to herself.

<<Previous  | Story Intro | Return to Stories | Next >>