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A Shadow Past 

Chapter Four:

 Bless The Broken Road, by Rascal Flatts

The ensuing hours had been literal torture for Jessie. Her conscience had played devil’s advocate the entire time, batting her dilemma back and forth like a crazed ping-pong ball, a constant yes/no, yes/no. In any case, it didn’t matter now; she had already set fate into motion. Cam was on his way over, and for better or worse, she was going to tell him everything.

Jessie dimmed the lights in the living room as the sun had set. In her mind, maybe what she was going to reveal wouldn’t seem as dark if there were shadows to keep it company. She paced the room, the nervous energy causing her skin to have that strange prickling sensation, like she’d had too much caffeine to drink. The entire time the voice kept nagging her, ‘are you sure you should do this…are you sure he won’t leave you…are you sure you want him to know,’ a constant litany of ‘are you sure,’ ‘are you sure’, ‘are you sure?’ Jessie finally stopped her pacing and pressed her hands against the sides of her head, trying to still the rush of anxiety. It was going to be hard enough to be completely honest with Cam—it had been a hell of a long time since she had been completely honest with herself. Regardless, she had to do it; if she didn’t, at the rate she was going it would destroy her.

Jessie’s heart jumped into her throat as she heard the low rumble of the Mustang in the distance. Taking deep, calming breaths, she fought the fight or flight response as she walked across the room, opening the front door just as Cam pulled into the driveway. Already halfway into a full-blown panic attack, she didn’t wait for him to knock. With her exaggerated startle response, she feared the sound alone would tip her over the edge.

Cam noted the open door as he made his way to the front porch, and then realized he could see Jessie standing in the living room. His steps slowed as he took in her stance, could literally feel the tension in the air the closer he got to the house. Climbing the steps quietly, he stopped with his hand on the screen door.

"Jessie?"

Cam felt a tightness grow in his chest when she turned to him. Her eyes were haunted, and the faint purple shadows beneath her eyes were even more pronounced. She looked worse than before, even in the dim light. Enough was enough; there was no way in hell he was going to let her continue like this. Pulling the screen open, he stepped into the room, closing the wooden door behind him.

‘I don’t know if I can do this,’ she thought to herself, certain she was going to be ill…then she looked into Cam’s eyes. Jessie saw many things reflected there—worry, concern, determination, but above all else, love. The voice that had tormented her went silent. It was time.

"Hey Cam," she said, her voice just slightly above a whisper.

"Jess…"

"I know." She knew she looked like crap. "We…" she made a faint, strangled sound, "…we need to talk."

When he reached for her, she took a step back, instantly regretting it when she saw his hurt expression. "Please. This is going to be very…difficult. I’ve talked myself out of telling you a half dozen times before you got here tonight." Jessie took a deep breath. "This’ll probably be easier for me if you’d sit down."

Not wanting to upset her, Cam took a seat on the sofa, resting his forearms on his legs, his undivided attention focused on Jessie. He watched as she paced back and forth a few times before finally sitting down on the lazy boy opposite the sofa, pulling her legs up and wrapping her arms around them—a defensive, protective posture.

"Ever since we went to Nahane, I did everything I could to discredit what Thoyetlini had told us, wanting to attribute it to the musings of an old man, a charlatan. But, the more I went through the totems he described, the warnings he gave, the more it bugged me." She put her head down on her knees. "Jesus, you’re going to think I’m insane."

Cam didn’t move from his spot on the sofa, but he spoke calmly and directly to her. "Jessie, I doubt seriously I’d think you’re insane. What that shaman told us…I couldn’t dismiss it, either. There was something about the way he looked at us, the things he said. There was definitely something to it."

Jessie kept her eyes on the floor. "Remember he said there were three trials for us to face in order for our connection to become whole."

"Shadows."

Jessie raised her head. "Yeah. Past, present and future."

"He was pretty specific about that."

Looking at Cam, Jessie saw a steadfastness there, and it had a strangely calming effect on her. Pressing her lips together tightly, she nodded. "The shadow past, he directed that one at me. He said that it had been buried for far too long, I had to face the pain, walk into the darkness to find the light of rebirth. That I wouldn’t be able to make a true union until I had shared the wounds, and let them heal." Jessie’s voice shook a little. "He said the wolf teaches transformation, and adds balance and harmony; with the wolf I can face my deepest fears."

Cam’s gaze never wavered. "And he said your guardian is the raven, and mine is the wolf."

Jessie pulled her knees tighter against her chest. "There’s…there’s something I haven’t told you…something I hadn’t thought about since it happened." She let out a wry laugh. "You’ve said before that I’m stubborn. What happened, when it happened…I was told it was something…" her voice broke as she fought back the onslaught of emotion, "…it was something I would always remember. I chose the exact opposite—that I would forget. I did a real good job of it, too, until meeting Thoyetlini. Since then, it’s like something trying to claw its way to the surface, the nightmares, the anxiety." She closed her eyes, but one lone tear escaped, making its way down her cheek.

Cam fought every instinct he had to go and take her in his arms. He could see she was struggling, but he instinctively knew she had to do this her way.

"It’s…it’s gotten to the point that if I don’t let it out, I think I’ll lose my mind. But at the same time, I’m scared that it’ll destroy the one thing that means the most to me."

"Jessie, if you’re talking about us, nothing will destroy that; I promise you. I don’t know how or what Thoyetlini saw, but we both felt something. Hell, we both saw the wolf and the raven together. If what he said is true, then we have three things we have to deal with, together. I’m here, and I’m not leaving. You’ve just got to take that leap of faith."

Jessie looked at him for the longest time, wanting so desperately to believe what he said was true. She finally came to the realization that she had no choice; it was either tell him everything, or lose it all. She never would have thought a leap of faith would be so difficult.

"Remember when I told you about the guy I had been engaged to…when he wanted me to resign my position in the archaeology department at the university, I broke off the engagement?"

Cam nodded, his stomach tightening into a knot as he began to realize what her body language was screaming at him.

"I…I’m going to tell you…everything…that happened that night. If…just let me finish before you say anything; if I don’t get it all out at once, I don’t think I’d be able to finish."

Hugging her legs so tightly she was constricting the blood flow to her arms, she started on the journey Thoyetlini had given them a glimpse of—walking into the darkness of a shadow past, with the wolf by her side.

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